(Part 1)
No, we are not discussing getting more sex with multiple partners, we are talking about increasing the pleasure between partners. After listening to countless couples and singles discuss their lives with me, a common theme discussed was the lack of sexual fulfillment. Frustrating sexual lives is a strong indication of the health of a relationship. Couples can choose to ignore it, but it manifests negatively in many ways throughout the relationship and for the individual as well.
A question I ask pretty early in couple therapy is how often a couple is having sex. Right away people tense up, swivel in their seat and look around for the answer. I am very used to this reaction, which only makes the next question and reaction even more interesting. “How is the quality of your sex?” In this case the man might answer quickly saying, “Fine” or “good.” Most often single word answers. He will also look at me as he answers, and then towards his wife. The woman usually doesn’t even answer.
How often a couple is having sex, the quality and the sexual routine they have, tells me a lot about the relationship. Why is that so important? Couples that are frustrated with each other have less sex, and couples who have less sex get more frustrated with each other. It is a vicious cycle that leads to more little fights and poor communication. If not that, it leads to a robotic life where couples are doing their own thing and not dealing with the issue. Either way, it is not a healthy sign.
Also, when people are not sexual satisfied it can have many side effects. You don’t feel attractive and therefore don’t take as good care of yourself. This can lead to weight gain and poor self image. It can effect confidence, careers, health, and more. Although there is never a good excuse, this also leads to affairs. So, if you think the quality of your sexual life in your relationship is not important, you couldn’t be more wrong.
So how do you improve the quality of your sex life? You know the old saying, “If I had a nickle for every time I was asked that question I would be rich?” Well after years on the radio, lectures and private practice, that question has come up countless times. So if you have ever wondered that, you are normal!
Before you can get started, you have to decide that you want to improve the situation. It’s funny, or sad … people think that sex should just happen naturally and therefore should be good. What that means to a person is, “If sex is not good, there is something wrong between us.” Meaning, we are just not in tune with each other, or that we are not compatible. Thinking that good sex should just happen, means that you don’t need to take any responsibility for it, or do you have to look for ways to improve it.
This same thinking is what leads people to just avoid the issue all together and if a couple stays together, sex is what it is, when it is, and they look to find satisfaction in other areas of their life. Unfortunately, this always leaves a big blank space that never leads to a healthy complete feeling as an individual or as a couple.
Once you decide you want to improve it, then you have to stop placing blame either on yourself, or your partner. The goal is not to find out who is doing something wrong, the goal is to see how to learn to be more connected and fulfill each others needs. The great news is, once a couple wants to look at this area of life, improving your sex life is very very possible. However, sex is more than just physical and learning more about each other’s bodies, the quality of your sexual lives will also be affected by the level of communication, intimacy and level you enjoy each other in all areas of your life.
With all that in mind, if you are ready to be open and really take a look at and discuss your sexual lives, you can not only improve your sexual lives, but your lives as a couple in general. That should be exciting, because who doesn’t want to have great sex, and who doesn’t want to have a better relationship? So go ahead and smile, because at this point your mind has all sorts of pictures in it, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone …
This post was a starting place to get you thinking about your sexual life in your relationship. We will be posting more guides and methods to increasing your sexual communication and lives soon. Please also read “Should Women Fake It?” in the Article Inspiration section of Tools To Life.
Leave your comments and questions below and let’s keep the conversation going. After all, that is what got us where we are today, not talking or asking questions …
